EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.