EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
It’s a gift
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I don’t make the rules sorry
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
it was a valiant fight
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.