Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.