Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.