Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Duolingo getting serious.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.