Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Good morning.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”