Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
You Might Also Like
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Saturday
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.