Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE