Emma is smarter than all of us.
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
happy halloween
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.