Emma is smarter than all of us.
You Might Also Like
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Brother?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.