Emma is smarter than all of us.
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.