Emma is smarter than all of us.
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.