Emma is smarter than all of us.
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.