Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What flavor cupcake are these

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

biblically accurate fire hydrant

*bites zombie*

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good