Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

My hips? Compulsive liars.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

ㅤ

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.