Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

“you recording!?”

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

The asteroid..