Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Harsh but fair

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window