Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
This bar smells like my childhood.