Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
What flavor cupcake are these
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When you’re here for the treats.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂