Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys