Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

*Seductively hides in the woods

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada