Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
huge if true: the moon
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)