Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog