Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

I have a black belt in leather

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

There are no pants in heaven.

do horses think humans are hats

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.