Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

as is their right

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

unbelievably distressed by this ad