Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?