Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.