Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1640335549520297985/pu/vid/432x640/nSnE4ivzd2eFQ1St.mp4?tag=12

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.