Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
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My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up