Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.