Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.