Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?