Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
😭😭😭
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.