Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Lmao 🤣
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.