Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

ㅤ

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not