Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.