Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.