Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me