Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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I love it all
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.