Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

learning about math 🧐 📝

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no