Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You Might Also Like
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!