Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that