Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
next question.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people