Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑