Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Like sleeping!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now