Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.