Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.