Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The cycle continues
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”