Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Support your local cemetery
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
This is the coolest video you will see today.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
emergency phone
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