Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?