Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
This 4th of July, please remember…
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled