Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
