Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

How to woo a woman

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.