Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings