Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.