Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.