EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You Might Also Like
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Well well well…
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
That eye roll….
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”