Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Ok, but like, how married are you?

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Ladies, why y’all do this?

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.