Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

This kinda thing happens to me often

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.