employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Every work meeting this week
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.