Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

White parent Vs Arab parents