Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Imagine having a party on purpose.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Animal poetry

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun