employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*