Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake