Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

This one, by a wide margin