employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
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🤣🤣🤣
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.