employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE