Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.