Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

jesus, what did this guy do

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯