employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Frog purse.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
sigh
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: