Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

🤣✨#caturday

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

12653.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast