Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes