Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

U talkin 2 me?

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

what’s more important?

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads