Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Good advice.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything